Look who's back? Exam week has finally gone and passed. So I'm back to blogging once again. Huff where do I start? Now that I think about it, I've been blogging for two years.. on and off. I find it hard to even remember what last year's resolutions were.. but I can happily say that I have managed to achieve one of them. I remember making three, but I can only remember two of them.
Uncompleted resolution
The first one I did not complete.. which was to do 3 runs within the year of 2012.. I actually only managed one. Why? 2012 seemed to be the year of everything, it wasn't that I didn't have time.. just that I wasn't completely in the mood. If you haven't already read on my previous March post.. I really enjoyed the 6 mile run, in fact I even signed up and paid for the 10.5 mile run in June.. but I guess you can say different priorities came up. This year I am planning to run a half marathon.. this bit is more the easier bit (even though I haven't run since last year summer). I plan to raise a minimum of £250 by myself.. and at first I thought yeah sure that should be fine, but the more I think about it and think about how many people I can come into contact with.. the chances of raising that much on my own.. is 5:1. Of course, I'll try my best to optimistic about it, and I guess I have to rely on the generously of others. I would actually go out of my way to sing songs and do silly things, just to help the charity I want to fund raise for. That's not for another few months yet.. and I would like to be up for the challenge.. I just hope everyone will try their best to get involved somehow.
On-going and improved resolution
My second resolution was to change. 2012 I know was a great, amazing year for loads of people. Unfortunately and fortunately, it was the hardest, but best experience of my life. If ever I wouldn't change anything that happened in it, because I learnt so much because I feel like I went through so much. I know not people understand it, even my friends probably don't understand how it felt or how hard everything was for me. I didn't understand what was wrong, or where I was going.. and now I do.. and that feels good. You know people say "don't even look back".. I have to say that whenever I think of last year.. I can't ever look back because I remember things I wish I could change.. and remembering doesn't change anything right? I went on a 2 month break by myself to China to try to forget everything or at least get myself together and to feel better. I actually came back to realise no matter where you go, and how you think and predict things will turn out.. they are never what you hoped for.. even when you think life can't get any worse... they can if you let them.
Why be stubborn?
I admit it time and time again.. I am stubborn. I am stubborn for being stubborn.. and I was stubborn to think that being stubborn would ever get me anywhere. Most likely from my childhood years till last year.. I convinced myself that not changing and being myself and trying my best to make other people happy was a life long dream. I have to be honest.. this type of life style isn't suitable for anyone. So last year was the first time, everything changed.. and I had to break and realise where I really put myself.. and why I keep going round in circles. What was going wrong? I'll be vague with my personal ideas.. but this break.. has meant I have been able to start again. There is nothing wrong with learning, there is nothing wrong with being scared and feeling deflated in life. 2012 was a year I felt like I lost so much.. that even now I'm not completely ok with.. because I haven't got to the place I want to be but I know I'll get there. It's not so much the people I have met that made me realise so many things I took for granted.. but the experience. For the first time out of many.. I said no to someone who needed my help and I'm not proud of it either. I've realised the limit I have on helping people.. without actually developing on myself and moving myself forward. I also realised that being there for someone 24/7 can do more than good to them.. that they actually end up growing weak. This goes into the whole subject on "stubbornness".. I was proud to not change.. I was proud of believing in something that did have flaws.
Expectation
Their is someone talked to about my blog. I said to them I would never make an example out of anyone unless they knew about it.. and my blogs I hope never insult anyone and bring in things that are personal. I met someone who I believe has the potential to change, and I believed that person would prove to themselves that they could change. I was at a constant battle with myself about whether to intervene.. and realised my limits and how much I could truly help this person. So I changed.. I changed with a different action from something I was used to.. yes I felt guilty.. but I dealt with it.. and stopped being stupid. I gave that person my best advice, and up most sincerely to where they were.. and believed that even without me or anything else.. they could make a change for the better. Even if someone isn't there.. if no one is there.. is not an excuse to not have the strength to come through. Recently I have been updated somehow on this.. and heard that this person can't see how to change.. and I wish over and over again that this person or if anyone wouldn't be so stubborn to not change. Change does not happen over night.. and not without struggle. The expectation of you thinking something good will happen sometime.. can't you see where you are going? You keep making mistakes and you know.. but you don't change? Why would you ever put up with it? You think life is tough because its not going your way.. we change if you want it enough.. how can you not see that? I guess you just see someone else giving up on you? When really I was there all the time.. in hindsight.. hoping you would somehow see through. It was ok for me to see you dislike me.. I can live with that knowing I had only good intentions.. but to dislike yourself like that? Is unfair on you.. and I hope you see that one day.
Chance
I don't like to chance anything, because I believe the minute you believe in chance.. is the minute you believe in the chance to fall short. It's called beating the odds.. and with that you prepare, you learn and be confident in what you aim to do. No doubt I'll be going through more trials and tribulations, but I'm ok for it.. I'm ready for a challenge.
2013 resolutions
1) Practice my mandarin to a good level- To those who don't know my first language is English, second being Hainanese and third being Mandarin. We can exclude Vietnamese, Spanish and French.. because frankly I suck at those. I don't speak enough mandarin anywhere.. I just stick to English and Hainanese.
2)Start saving -I suck at saving!
3)Practice playing my guitar-What I mean by this is.. to actually play at a decent level.. and not just know chords.. I won't be playing much until the summer holidays.
I do aim for so much more this year... not just resolutions wise but personally. I hope that I have the courage to just really change things for myself, so that in the future I can change things for others. I hope from the bottom of my heart that everyone tries their best.. to never regret anything and to try your best even when things look bad. I hate seeing people put themselves in places that so obviously are not right.
QPT xxx
